Right now I’m stuck in my stupid mahogany office making phone calls to the newly elected representatives in the state legislature. I’m inviting them to a barbecue I’m having in the West Mall to raise money for my bake sale, which will also be in the West Mall and hopefully raise money for the University.

I figure maybe if they come to the barbecue and we hit it off we can become friends and play Halo on the weekends. Even if we don’t become best friends, maybe they’ll like my hickory smoked sausage they’ll decide to not cut the school’s budget anymore. Let’s face it, times are tough at UT and we can hardly afford the upkeep on Gregory Gymnasium and Resort as it is!

I spent the entire morning making catchy flyers for the barbecue and handing them out in the West Mall. I couldn’t believe how rude some people were. I even saw one girl take a flyer and then throw it away right next to me! That’s OK girl, you’re going to be sorry when you miss out of my famous “Powersful Baby Back Ribs.” Also, you’re no longer attending this University. I erased you from the system. Powers don’t front, baby.

Man, I reeeeeally want to go roller-skating. I haven’t been since I went with Scott Parks two months ago. He was really talented! But let’s be real, I’m no slouch myself! LOL!

Do you think anybody would notice if I skipped class tomorrow and just went roller-skating. OMG it would be just like “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off!” I wonder if VP Kev would tell on me? He’s been so testy since I put a freeze on administrative raises.

OK, what the heck, I’ll do it. You’re only in college once! Don’t tell anybody!

Hiya Power Pals! Your boy Bill here. Duhz! Cuz it’s my blog.

Anywho, just wanted to give you the skinny on my upcoming Me of the Month Contest! Contestants will be judged on how well they exemplify the INNER me. (Though a nice pair of boots never hurt anyone!) This is truly an inner beauty contest, so I’d like to stress that you will not be judged on the basis of race, sex, creed, or religion (and coming soon: sexual orientation!) So I highly encourage all my avid readers and friends to apply (That means you, Scott and Muneezeh!) Winners will receive an awesome high-five from yours truly, and don’t forget those résumé points…

Omahgz, so speaking of winky smiley faces, ACL WAS SOOOO AMAZING!!l1!1!!! I don’t know about ya’lls but my favorite part is probably all the free stuff—that place practically pays for itself. Luckily I don’t have classes on Fridays (priority registration ya’ll) so I was there ALL THREE DAYS. It’s such a pain you can’t just sleep there, SLUMBER PARTY!!! Am I right? Am I right? But on a serious note, I think I might have gotten heat stroke cuz I was just eating brownies with these guys all morning in the hot sun and then I felt kind of queasy and SOOO THIRSTYYYY… =(

Well friends, the missus is telling me to get off the computer and get to bed because if I stay up late I’m “always so cranky” the next day. =P But I’ll leave you with these parting words: Be true to yourself, Never give up, always bet on burnt orange and if your dumb friend Steve tells you there’s something strange sitting on your tower balcony windowsill, you better hope you have a Smirnoff handy to flip that prank on his VP self. SHAZAM!

P.S. Enter my Me of the Month contest by sending a little sumthin about you to letters@texastravesty.com, they’re gonna handle this because they know I’m busy and they’re my bros.

So-annoyed-my-initials-are-BP-these-days-arrrrg, President

I don’t even wanna talk about it guys! First we lose to UCLA and then we lose to O-Who?!! Ever since Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman died, this has been the worst year evarr!

As VP Kev knows, I haven’t been this upset in, like, forever! This morning I was pacing around the top of the tower in tears.

And, of course, I’m uber mad at Coach Mack! He won’t let me stand next to him during games and tell him some of my ideas for plays. I even got a brand new pair of sunglasses for the job.

Look, I’m not saying I would make the best coach (I’m definitely more of a cool but authoritative president kind of guy, lol), but I’m just saying that if I was coach, I wouldn’t ignore the Longhorn’s number one fan when he was telling some really great football stories. I used to play a little football back in the day, you know!

I remember the time I lost my first big game against the Fort Henry Mustangs. It was all because of a stupid tactical error on my part and I couldn’t stop beating myself up about it. But I remember feeling all better when my mom let me have two whole Caprisuns on the way home.

So, if anyone from the Longhorn football team is reading this, I would like to tell you all to pat yourselves on the back, drink some Caprisun and also ask Coach Mack if I can come hang out with you guys some more!

Its siesta time now and OU still sucks!

P.S. That was some scary stuff on Tuesday ya’ll. I just wanted to let all of you know that if you’re down and lonely, or too stressed, or whatever and you feel like you’re at the end of your rope. Text me! We can grab a bite at the Union and go bowling or something.

Your BFF 4 lyfe,

Billy P

As you may have heard last week during my state of the University address, things aren’t so good at home. State mandated budget cuts have resulted in the loss of valuable resources, the cost of a university education is continuing to rise, and last night my wife Kim made Hamburger Helper for dinner on steak night.

Steak night!

But friends and colleagues, it is in these harsh and difficult times that we must remember, now more than ever, that OU sucks.

Yes, we may not be at our best right now at UT, but my oh my is there some kind of horrid stench coming from that cesspool in Norman.

Yesterday I attempted to contact David Boren, the President of the University of Oklahoma, to inform him personally of how badly OU sucks and what preventative measures they could possibly take to remedy this, such as not being OU. Unfortunately it seems he’s no longer returning my Facebook messages.

Well, analyzing all of these university financial statements seems to be getting me down, so I think I’m just going to start decorating my cooler for game. I was going to try to do the thing were you spell something with glue and then put glitter on it — I think it’ll look awesome.

It’s 6:27 PM, and OU still sucks. Also Family Matters is coming on in three minutes so I gotta run.

Hook’em,

Billy P

Hey amigos, so I got this State of the University thing later today, which is sort of a big deal.  I didn’t even realize it was today until I got the Campus email about it, glad I checked! (Badass note: Afterward, me and Steve from the Provost’s office are gonna go throw down on some Ruby’s BBQ—so psyched!)

Steve had some cool ideas for my entrance. Normally I just walk out to the lectern, but after four speeches, man that gets old. We were thinking:

1. Fog Machine, then

2. Clint Black’s “Good Run of Bad Luck” plays over the PA, and then right when the solo comes in

3. Yours truly enters doing a gangster lean on a Segway.

No one will be thinking about budgetary rhetoric after an entrance like THAT.

But guys, I’m kinda freaking out over what I’m going to say—I’m supposed to do 30 minutes, and right now all I’ve got really sounds stupid. Don’t get me wrong, most of the speech is just me explaining why we’re going to win the National Championship, but the hardest part is the opening line. I was hoping, my dear, sweet Talkie fans, y’all might take a read, tell me if any of these are good for breaking the ice:

“Thanks to the Drama department for having me, looks like they keep things weird enough for all of Austin.”

“Those new buildings are sure coming along, aren’t they?”

“What is best in life? To crush OU, see the Sooners driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!”

“Man it’s hot up here, anyone got a Yerba Mate handy?”

“The State of the University is Strong!” (Then I was gonna do like Kobe and beat my chest for two minutes)

I like the last one, I think it says all I need to say. See y’all at the show!